Thursday, September 9, 2010

A little regret and my out of control imagination

My usual attitude towards pretty much any situation is generally identical nearly every time... something along the lines of 'I don't really give a fuck.' But today for some reason a little bit of regret hit me.

Now how I am going to explain this is by going through explaining first the girl, then my current personal situation, and then my insane mind. And the other thing I need to do is to warn you that this is not some epic cool story bro, it's just an example on how my imagination sometimes takes the smallest insignificant situation and blows it way out of control in my head.

What happened was I was leaving work and as I walked through the car park towards my car I looked over to my right and saw a girl that I have seen before.

The Girl: Many of my lunch breaks consist of a trip across the road to Subway and this day was no exception. But as I walk through the door and line up in the queue I see a girl waiting at the register for a smoothy she already ordered and for some reason I can not fucking take my eyes off her. I don't find anything particularly special about her, in fact if anything she is spectacularly plain. She has straight long black hair, very white skin (no tan at all), a decent figure (not super fit but in NO way fat), and even nicely dressed.

She looks at me for a moment and then quickly looks away, then does not look at me again which already gives me the impression she is in no way interested. When she leaves I watch her and see that she walks across the road and into the building next to the one I work in which is also used by the same organisation I work for so now I know she works at the same place I do... and that's all I know.

As soon as I get back to my desk I spend the rest of my lunch going through random names on the staff directory intranet page hoping to come across her picture and find out her name (there are literally thousands of staff listed in the directory so realistically I had no chance of finding her).

I have only seen her one other time at Subway after that and basically the same thing happened and she did not look at me at all.

My Current Situation: I am 24 years old and I have not had a girlfriend for something like 6 years. No one night stands, no fuck buddy, basically no female friendship of any kind for 6 or so years. What's even worse is I have also had very minimal male friendship over the last few years also. When I was 18 I moved interstate and about 2000km away (metric system motherfucker, deal with it). I had to make all new friends which I did, and I kept those friendships for a few years but over time we drifted apart and now the closest thing I have to friendship is two guys I know that I usually am lucky to be in contact with maybe once every few months.

The problem with this type of a lack of social interaction, especially in relation to women, is that the problem itself is what makes the problem worse. As time goes on with less and less social interaction you grow more and more socially awkward. As you grow more and more socially awkward it becomes harder and harder to partake in social interaction.
It is pretty hard for the guy with no friends to get invited to a party. You don't exactly look like a guy that girls what to get to know when you go to the cinema by yourself. It's pretty hard to get the motivation to go to a night club when you realise you are going all by yourself, and the times you do convince yourself to go you feel like a retard because, lets face it, you at a nightclub by yourself.

My Insane Mind: I look across the parking lot and see the girl. She is doing that thing when you are in a rush but not enough of a rush for an all out sprint, she is running, then walking, then running, then walking some more etc. Once again I can not take my eyes off her and she looks across in my direction a few times but I can not be sure if she is actually looking at me or not as there is a bit of distance between us. We are walking parallel to each other and I see her pause for a moment an take her shoes off so she can move faster and/or easier and there is something about her running down the street with her bare feet that I find very sexy. She continues down the road and I go to my car.

As I am driving down the road and turn a corner I see her heading the same direction still doing the run/walk thing. Just before I catch up to her an idea flashes in my mind "what if I pull up beside her and ask her if she needs a lift since she looks like she is in some kind of rush to get wherever she is going?" but as soon as the thought enters my head I get a mix of just thinking "pfft that's just stupid, who gets in some strangers car? someone looking to get raped that's who" and "oh dear god a girl!" then it is already too late and I am going past her and I get my last moment of "If I slam on my breaks now maybe I can still do it." But I don't... and then my insane imagination takes over.

For the next half an hour my mind takes over and my body goes into 'auto-drive-yourself-home' mode and it's almost like I am not even looking at the road while I drive. My imagination runs completely out of control and creates all these fictional situations from her refusing the lift, to her taking the lift, to different fictional conversations we have while she is in my car. From finding out she already has a boyfriend to finding out she is just not interested, or that she is even a lesbian. From where I drive her to all the different ways I could ask her out and even just what her name is... and it keeps going! I am only about half way home now so my insane mind goes to the extreme and begins go fantasise an entire fictional relationship from our first date, to meeting up at work, further dating, eventually taking her home, far later even meeting my parents and getting married.

I barely even realise that I am now sitting in my car... at home... parked in my driveway... with the motor running. I 'wake up' and my out of control imagination finally releases it's grip on me and as I am walking to my front door, thinking about what just happened, about how a half an hour drive home felt like and entire lifetime...

... and then I realise how insane I am to have basically created an entire relationship in my head simply by driving past some girl I don't even know.

TLDR; I am fucking crazy and have no control over my imagination.


  1. didn't read it all
    may thor be with you

  2. nobody has control over their imagination, just roll with it :) cool blog btw!

  3. haha lovin the post :D

    Supporting and following. I hope you do the same for me ;)

  4. actually read the whole post, and I have to say you're probably not alone mate. I'm not currently in the situation that you are in, so the only thing I can do is say: just go for it bro (I know easier said than done, but still)

  5. I'm surprised anyone read this post tbh. Even I considered it pretty TLDR.

  6. Hey I figured you put the effort into writing all that, somebody should read it